Some like it not

 The heat that we are experiencing almost drained my motivation to write this column. I usually have a couple of general topic columns written up in case the week comes that I really can’t write one, and I could have sent one of them in, but I couldn’t pass up on this opportunity to expose the weaknesses of my eternal foe: warm temperatures.

I am a warm-natured person. I rarely complain about being cold. I constantly think about how great life in Minnesota must be. The summer sun is my nemesis, and I sweat profusely. (But not like a pig, because pigs don’t sweat.)

If there was a gigantic fan that ran on cynicism, then I would be a town hero, but I think you’d prefer some real solutions to summer.

I know that a list of ways to keep cool is pretty cliché, but don’t quit reading quite yet.

Conventional wisdom tells us that the movie theater is one good way to escape the heat. I’m conflicted on this conclusion. I like movies. I saw “The Dark Knight” on Saturday and I recommend it highly, but I think that our movie theater is a little too expensive. Did you know that the price of a matinee is $5.50 these days? I can’t really blame them though, everything is increasing in price and they probably had to increase their prices to remain as profitable as they would like.

The pool is the prevailing symbol of summer salvation. My grandfather had a pool when I was growing up, and I went over there all the time and enjoyed myself immensely. As the years passed, it was used less frequently, and it got sold not too long ago. I miss that grand old pool, but there is no time for nostalgia. Most of us find ourselves in a situation where we don’t have a big, above- ground pool sitting in our backyard, so the city graciously provides a couple for us. The Sedalia Democrat faithfully provides us with front page pictures of people using those pools at least once a week. This is a good solution for some people, but I prefer to swim alone, or at least with people that I know personally.

I do, however, have a tiny, cheap pool in my backyard that we just set up. It’s green and embarrassing, but that lukewarm water still feels mighty nice. Go out to your favorite department store and buy yourself a tiny, inflatable pool; I think you will find it to be worth the price.

Some animals roll around in mud to keep cool, but I don’t think there is a human equivalent.

I find relief by sitting around and barely moving, but that is not really a summer exclusive thing for me.

And I am sure that the medical professionals in this town want me to tell you to drink lots of fluids, and you should. I don’t much care for water, even though I know I should be drinking it. Don’t worry about me though, I drink a lot of soda pop, which is basically sugar water.

You could sit in your house and run the air conditioner all day and night, but that is an expensive option.

The basement is generally the coolest place in the house. My basement isn’t furbished, and is pretty unpleasant to be, but if your basement isn’t as leaky and dirty as mine is, then it is a good spot to cool off.

On the other hand, there are cold-natured individuals who simply live for heat. This is their favorite time of year, they feel as though your average year is just too darn cool and are tortured by the thought of winter. I can’t really fault these people. It’s not like they chose to like warm temperatures. I guess someone has to.

Or maybe they did choose, subconsciously. Maybe temperature is a state of mind, and I can be enjoying a frosty milkshake in an igloo if I just think I am. Maybe if I sit here and focus for a few minutes, I can be as cool as I want to be. I think my mind over matter motor has overheated.

I’m going to start a petition to make the sun cut back a little bit. I can only hope that you will sign it.