Satnan: The monkey of the midway, and other observations

Things I learned while hanging out on the midway at the Missouri State Fair:

Monkeying around

While Lady Gaga may be all the rage on the radio airwaves, Lady April owns the midway.

The brown-tufted Brazilian Capuchin monkey is available for photo sessions with fairgoers for $5 a pop (add people, add more cash). Her owner and handler, Richard Spohrer, has had Lady April for about 3 1/2 years. For pop cultural relevance, Lady April is the same kind of simian as Dexter from the “Night at the Museum” movies. Which is why I kept my hand on my keys while I was around their booth.

Spohrer took the time to explain the derivation of his money-making monkey’s species, which involves Capuchin monks and conquistadors. I won’t spoil it — go ask for yourself.

Spin cycle

If you are going to ride the contraption called Spin Out, either tie your shoes on tight or shed them completely before you get on. During one group’s ride Saturday evening, five patrons lost both of their shoes.

Pardon the visual, but this ride should really be called the Vominator. It raises you a good 10 to 15 feet in the air, tilts you sideways for a while, then inverts you — all while you spin in a circle.

Those riders are lucky they only lost their shoes — I’d more likely lose my lunch.

Side order of squash

While the Spin Out provided a newfangled twist on the thrill ride, it was nice to see that carnivals still embrace tradition.

When I was growing up, my folks would take us to a local amusement park generically called Kiddieland each year for the Independent Order of Foresters annual picnic. While “Independent Order of Foresters” sounds like some modern-day Robin Hood outfit, for the most part it is just an insurance company.

Still, the picnic was a highlight of every summer, and seeing the Tilt-A-Whirl, Scrambler, bumper cars, giant slide and Himalayan bobsleds brought back some good memories.

And there is just nothing better than taking the inside seat on the Himalaya and having your younger, smaller, gullible sibling sit on the outside. The ride starts with you going forward in a circle, but when it reverses, the torque pushes the inside rider to the outside, thus enabling you to squash your sibling for the duration of the ride. Ah, family.

Doggone sister

Speaking of family, sibling rivalry is still alive and well on the midway. At the Darienn’s Derby horse race game, Marion Huffman, 9, of Richmond, Kan., edged out her brother Colton, 8, to claim winner’s choice (she opted for a large stuffed dog — specifically, a pug). But in the rematch, Colton was determined and won by a nose. His choice? The same pug toy.

What did Marion like best about the game? Beating her brother.

Just walk away

Missouri State Highway Patrol troopers strike a pretty intimidating stance, with their sharp gray uniforms and flat-brimmed hats. When you put them on those monster Segways they’re using on the fairgrounds, well, you can raise that intimidation factor by a good 50 percent. I just walk the other direction and hope for the best.

Howdy pardner

It seems the guy in charge of the midway is Lil' Partner, and he wants to ensure everyone stays on the straight and narrow.

Throughout the midway are signs bearing his likeness, with him offering a gesture that is a tad too close to a Nazi salute for my liking, admonishing youngsters to “Be Careful,” “Stay in School,” “Don’t Smoke,” “Don’t Do Drugs” and “Mind Your Parents.”

Lest he be thought a total killjoy, Lil' Partner also encourages kids to “Have Fun.” Thanks, partner.

Easy victory

Even carnival game washouts can go home with something.
OK, ladies, say the guy who is trying oh, so hard to impress you at the fair just cannot shoot a basketball, toss a softball into a basket or shoot an air rifle. He doesn’t want you to go home empty-handed, so he can resort to the “bad boyfriend bailout game” — Lucky Duck.

It’s pretty simple — pay $3 to win a small prize, $5 for a medium. Micki Lane, who was running one of the Lucky Duck booths, said it’s a game for kids, but she has seen her share of teens and adults playing. Because nothing says “I’ve been to the fair” like an inflatable guitar.