Lefevers: Teach children to take responsibility for actions

“It’s not my fault!”

Those are the first words I heard when I walked through the door after grocery shopping a few days ago.

It seems that while I was gone, an incident of mediocre proportion had occurred involving those who reside in my home. Present were my husband, son, one daughter, our cat and two dogs.
The initial story began with “I was just playing with the dogs when. …”

After what I considered to be a long load of nothing but fast talking in between, the story ended with, “So, it’s not my fault.”

Once the smoke cleared and everyone had ample opportunity to tell the story the way they saw it, I decided that somewhere in the middle of it all, someone was playing with the dogs, who aggravated the cat, who decided to hike tail, run up the side of the couch and through the planter on the mantel, which ended up broken on the stairwell beneath it. Did you catch all of that? Don’t worry; It took me a while, too.

Each of the three defendants attempted tirelessly to place blame on the other. I quietly listened to each one of them recall who, exactly, did what that sent the cat into orbit (He made it back unscathed, by the way.), so that I could determine which of them would be the recipient of the very angry look that was beginning to form on my face.

Both of the kids blamed their father for the entire ordeal, but my husband assured me that it was, indeed, Ryan who was the guilty party. Ryan then turned on his sister and swore that had she not become involved, the cat wouldn’t have been spooked and the planter would still be intact on the mantel.

In other words, “It’s not my fault.”

Although initially I was disappointed in the fact that one of my favorite plants and its home had been destroyed, I was able to quickly chuck the whole thing off to “things happen.” They were playing with the animals and something broke. It has happened before and chances are that it will happen again. Oh well.

I was OK with the fact that the incident occurred. What bothered me was the phrase “It’s not my fault.”

Once upon a long time ago, a good friend brought to my attention that accepting responsibility was something that I wasn’t very good about doing. The reason for it may have stemmed from being ashamed or not wanting to be the cause of another person’s anger or sadness but I was guilty, nonetheless.

My gentle friend taught me that no matter how I believed a person would respond to my error, I could gain a great amount of personal integrity as well as trust from others if I could find it within myself to always be accountable for my actions, regardless of the perceived outcome.

It took a long time to change my way of thinking and to let go of the fear I had unintentionally created of telling the truth. But the more I practiced, the better I felt about myself and, as my friend had promised, I began to gain the respect of my family, friends and co-workers. That is a feeling that I wouldn’t trade for all the gold in China. (Is there really gold in China?) You get my point.

Although the planter incident was not a big deal, I took advantage of that opportunity to once again share with my son the importance of owning his actions. I knew that it was an accident, but when accidents happen, it is important to tell the story (the correct version), apologize and offer to correct it.

Because I’m full of “lectures” regarding these types of things, the kids sort of roll their eyes and agree to try better in the future … yada, yada, yada. But to me the most important part is taking the time to teach them even when the incidents are minor and even somewhat amusing.

Character building starts at home and it should begin when children are very young. Hold your kids accountable for their actions and initiate consequences for misbehavior consistently.

Remember, as well, to praise them when they begin to take responsibility on their own. They need to understand that you will love them regardless of their shortcomings. Don’t allow their fear of losing your support and encouragement allow them to continue negating responsibility.

Alexander Pope once said, “To err is human, to forgive divine.” When we practice forgiveness with our children, they will conquer their fear of accountability and become the people rich in character that our world desperately needs.

I walked in the door yesterday to find a beautiful new planter holding the exact same plant that I once had. The only difference is that this one is much healthier.

Happy parenting!