Rodewald: ‘C'mon Kurt! Do it for the Democrat'

I never thought I’d be in an eating contest, and I don’t plan to again anytime soon.

For the final task for my summer internship at the Democrat, I was asked to participate in the Jimmy John’s Sub Eating Contest on Sunday at the Missouri State fair.

As many would understand, it’s hard to pass up a free meal.

But, as the saying goes, there’s no such thing as a free lunch.

After I found out I would be eating two Jimmy John’s Gargantuan subs, I thought I’d at least prep myself a little by buying one and trying it out.

The sub, which is made of Genoa salami, sliced smoked ham, capicola, roast beef, turkey and provolone, and jammed into a homemade French bun then smothered with onions, mayo, lettuce, tomato, and homemade Italian dressing, according to Jimmy John’s website, appears harmless when wrapped.

I knew I wasn’t going to win the contest by the time I had finished it. I could barely eat one sub. There was no way I would down two in a row in any record time.

Like I said before, it was still a free meal, so my plan was to just eat what I could and take the rest home.

I was running late the day of the contest, so my friends dropped me off at the media gate and parked while I built up a hunger jogging to the Touchstone Energy Stage, where the gorging would soon take place.

After signing up for the contest, and sitting through the tail end of a hypnotist’s show, I sat next to Democrat columnist Travis McMullen to watch the first heat of eaters. I’m not quite sure if it can be called a heat if everyone is eating cold cuts.

McMullen was in the competition last year, and was somehow coaxed into doing it again by local Jimmy John’s owner John Oja. We sat in the crowd and watched Howard, the 2010 winner of the fair-guest bracket, win again by inhaling the two subs in less than six minutes.

Well, if he could do it in six minutes, one of the armed services guys could do it about the same and we’d be done in no time. Right?

Wrong. Our heat, the military branches/other bracket, lasted more than 20 minutes before a winner emerged.

Before the race began, the host, Thom Fuller, asked us to announce our name, hometown and military branch starting with me.

“My name’s Kurt, from Sedalia, and I represent the Sedalia Democrat branch,” I said to Fuller’s surprise.

The crowd laughed, and Oja told Fuller I was one of three local celebrities in the contest, including McMullen and Bruce Enrietto, of the “Bruce in the Morning” show on KXKX radio.
McMullen upstaged me by saying he was there to represent the Democrat better. How a judge would interpret that is not exactly what McMullen had in mind.

After the countdown and permission to start eating, he immediately stood up and threw his wrapped subs to a couple audience members in protest of the contest; rebelling just to be a rebel.

I started eating as fast as I could. I gasped for air and drank water only when I needed it.
Paul, from the Air Force, sat next to me.

The only thing bigger than the Gargantuan subs we were eating were his gargantuan arms under a pink polo-style shirt. A guy that size can wear whatever he wants, pink or not.

I was doing really well, partly because McMullen opted out and Enrietto wasn’t eating his tomatoes.

“A tomato will never pass these lips,” Enrietto said after he was pronounced disqualified.
I soon found there were only three of us really completing, and I was in first.

I knew that because Oja’s wife, Lori Ann, who was manning the microphone, whispered in my ear, “You’re in first.”

I finished the first sub in about three minutes. Then the pressure set in. Not the pressure to outperform my competitors and win. It was the pressure from my stomach, reminding me that it only had so much room and couldn’t fit much more.

It was too much. I slowly nibbled on the second sub as McMullen yelled at me.

“Come on, Kurt,” he screamed. “Do it for the Democrat. Do it for America.”

I wasn’t doing anymore for anyone. I was topped off and ready to tap out.

Paul had more people rooting for him anyway. So, I gladly threw in the towel and rooted for him, since he was closest to finishing.

The ripped man to my right stood for his final bites and won, in much relief to everyone for the contest to finally be over.

We were told we could take our leftovers home. I wanted nothing to do with that sub at the time. My belly was bulging now more than ever; I was hurting.

Now, after walking around the fair for a few hours and a good night’s sleep, I’m glad I took the rest home.

It’s lunch time and I’m hungry.