Last updated: September 07. 2013 3:46AM - 56 Views

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There must be some sort of cosmic force that wants Tyson chicken to be tainted. First, in early August a ďforeign objectĒ was discovered in a vat of raw chicken and now two Tyson employees have conspired to make our chicken taste more like white cotton gloves. I canít explain it but there must be some kind of ancient curse that calls for tainted chicken because itís practically inevitable at this point.

I do not understand what would drive a person to taint chicken. You kill a man because heís wronged you; you steal an apple because youíre hungry, but I donít see any real reason to put gloves on chickens.

Most would immediately assume that this act was done as some kind of practical joke, but if that is the case then it is a poorly thought-out one. I love practical jokes as much as the next person, but a chicken production line is no place for one. Dress up in a chicken suit covered in fake blood and start accusing people of things or something. Donít put a plan into motion that could cost the company millions and would ultimately only be funny to you and your companyís competitors.

You have to admire some chicken tainting though, because it is a rare treat when you get to see the word ďfecesĒ in print. It might be the eternal third grader that lives inside of me but I canít help but find it hilarious when a respectable news organization is forced to use the scientific names for awkward things like that in order to report the story properly.

Maybe the Tyson plant was built on top of an ancient chicken burial ground. Maybe thereís a man in a cape who calls himself ďThe Chicken AvengerĒ who goes around disrupting chicken processing plants and encouraging others to do the same.

Some might insist that Tyson needs to take a serious look at just who it employs and exactly who has access to certain areas of the processing line, and some might even start calling the safety of eating Tyson chicken into question ó but Iím not so sure.

Food has some nasty things on it and thatís simply a fact ó pretty much every kind food you eat has an acceptable amount of bug limbs or rat droppings in it, as decreed by the FDA. You can go to this link to find out all those tasty details, though I imagine youíd live better if you didnít: fda.gov/Food/GuidanceComplianceRegulatoryInformation/GuidanceDocuments/Sanitation/ucm056174.htm.

Food is gross anyhow, so things like this shouldnít cause us to panic. However, if events like this keep occurring, then even Iíll admit we have some kind of problem; the people will lose all confidence and the government will swoop in and take care of business. People will be fired and machines will be shut down.

If anyone from Tyson is reading this, listen to this advice: Donít go crazy with new protocols and make all of your employees angry. Donít enforce a five-foot dead zone around the processing line; just watch it a little better. Donít constantly watch your employees and make them uncomfortable, but have qualified people check on them a little more often than they are. You donít want the public thinking that none of your products can be trusted. I donít think thereís a problem here, but some people do, so doing a couple of things to ease the public mind might be a good idea.

Public perception is a difficult thing to keep in check. Just one or two more plant problems like this and a large portion of the local public might just decide Tyson products are not worth the risk. Tysonís problems are Sedaliaís problems to a certain degree, and if they were shut down for any significant amount of time then this situation could be the one that sets off the domino row of economic ruin.

This glove situation is entertaining, thatís for sure ó but it is also concerning. It would appear that there is some sort of pattern developing here. Maybe these women accidentally discovered that cotton is the best condiment for chicken and couldnít think of any other way to share this revelation with people.

Maybe weíre missing out on some great cotton chicken recipes simply because someone couldnít understand their glorious vision.

I suppose it is possible they felt that the company had wronged them in some way so they decided to spite them with gloves.

In any case Iím afraid I donít understand it. I just donít understand why anyone would put a chicken in a cotton glove. Just how real this conspiracy to taint our poultry products is remains to be seen, but Iím going to need a couple more incidents to believe that this is anything more than a funny coincidence. Letís go out there and eat some chicken and tell Tyson that we havenít lost confidence in them.

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