Satnan: Diapers, hammers don't mix — yet

When I saw the sign outside the Touchstone Energy Stage, I had such high hopes. It noted that there would be a Ladies Nail Driving/Team Diaper Changing competition at 5 p.m. Saturday, and I had visions of people trying to strap a diaper onto Junior using a nail gun.

That, I had to see.

However, it turns out they were separate competitions, and no infants were involved on any level — which likely will elicit a sigh of relief from the fair’s insurance company.

The sign outside the tent was misleading in another way; the competitions actually didn’t get going until 6 p.m., because at 5 there was a performance by El Gleno Grande (who was far more entertaining than his stage name lets on).

Once El Gleno left the stage, fair personnel started setting up for the ladies nail driving competition. At this point, I still thought the nails and diapers were part of a crazy combo platter, so when I saw the somewhat rickety tables that would be used, I my excitement grew — this was going to be daredevil stuff. The fair workers brought out hammers, nails and blocks of wood.

My mind was a whir: “What’s the wood for? Where are the diapers? And does anyone have a first-aid kit handy? This could get messy ...”

Then emcee Tom Fuller invited women in the audience to come up to compete in the ladies nail driving competition. I sunk in my seat. I had been duped — if only by my own hopes for a combination of carpentry and infant care.

Fuller explained that the winner of the contest — the first to drive three nails flush into the wooden blocks — would get 30 seconds in the Money Madness Machine, which he assured the crowd is “always windy, occasionally entertaining.” The machine is a clear plastic box filled with dollar bills and Monopoly money-looking vouchers for McDonald’s and Missouri Lottery tickets, which are blown about by something that resembles a leaf blower on the fritz. The winner would be locked inside for 30 seconds and try to grab as many bills and vouchers as they could.
Women streamed from the crowd to take part, with 20 ending up waiting to approach the stage. They competed in groups of five, with the winner of each round moving on.

Becky Trower of Basehor, Kan., won the first group without much trouble. She looked like a carpenter in posting her victory, but when I asked her daughter, Katey, 12, if she thought her mom had what it would take to win the whole thing, she offered a somewhat indignant, “I don’t know.”

Also posting an impressive win was Jordan Luthenauer, 19, of Knox County, who also dominated in the rabbit competitions, taking best in breed, best opposite breed and first in all classes she entered.

Fuller brought the four group winners up, and the crowd was amped for a showdown. But being a benevolent soul, he allowed all four to go into the Money Madness Machine. Trower fared the best of the four, snagging $9, six McDonald’s vouchers and six Missouri Lottery vouchers.

I asked Luthenauer if she thought she would have won had the four faced off, and she said, “I think so; I was a nail-driving champion in high school.” I can honestly say that is not something I have seen under “awards” on any resume I have reviewed.

Next up was the team diaper changing contest. The two team members could use just one hand each to open a diaper and fasten it to a cloth baby doll. Again, folks flocked to the stage area to participate.

Note to parents in Hardin: If Cole Leakey, 14, or Daniel White, 12, offer up their baby-sitting services, you might want to take a pass. They had trouble figuring out what direction to place the doll on the diaper; afterward, still laughing at their attempt, they admitted it was their first try at changing a diaper.

Storm Bugh, 13, of Knox County, also was making his first attempt at diapering, but he teamed with 4-H buddy Luthenauer and they emerged as the champs. So with a pair of victories to her credit, Luthenauer was the queen of the tent.

I’m hopeful that the folks in charge are open to combining the two events for next year’s fair. It’s just wacky enough to work — so long as they stick with using dolls (again, insurance guys breathe sigh of relief).

Luthenauer might have an unfair advantage, but it still would be awfully exciting to watch.