Making up for lost horoscopes
By Bob Satnan Contributing Columnist
As an old-school newspaper guy, I aim to give the readers what they want — within reason. I know well the economic realities of today’s media landscape, but I also long for some of the features that I had grown accustomed to, such as the comic strip “Pearls Before Swine.”
Lately, Sedline has been peppered with comments like the one that appeared in last weekend’s edition: “Bringing the horoscopes back to the paper would be pretty cool.”
Ask and ye shall receive. I tracked the constellations for the past week, borrowed Travis McMullen’s Ouija board and consulted with the Beaman Monster. Here’s your outlook for the next fortnight:
Aries: You’re impatient and obsessed with how your yard looks. Still, you should hold off on mowing your lawn for a few more weeks — at least wait until temperatures move into double digits. If you must, consider using your weed whacker to trim your houseplants, just to tide you over. Mulch is good for your carpet.
Taurus: The weight of those New Year’s resolutions is starting to get to you. This week, try putting that weight on a bar and lifting it a few times. Follow that up with a protein shake — here’s a hint, that doesn’t involve putting a pork chop in a blender.
Gemini: Your sign is represented by twins, as you know. So it’s time to hunt for your kindred spirit — the yin to your yang, the Scooby Doo to your Shaggy. Based on what I have learned from television, look for someone who looks just like you, only they have a goatee.
Cancer: Important information is about to arrive via mail. The visions were a little cloudy, so it is either notification that you won the Publisher’s Clearinghouse giveaway, your W-2 is finally ready or that “Bazinga” guy is on the cover of Entertainment Weekly again.
Leo: Coming off of your Golden Globes win, you will receive the Oscar for Best Actor and go on to star in director Oliver Stone’s remake of “Citizen Kane.” (Only applies to Leos with the last name DiCaprio.)
Virgo: You’re a riddle wrapped in a mystery encased in an enigma. Wow, I’m dizzy just thinking about that. Quit being so sketchy. You’re creeping people out.
Libra: You missed your calling but it’s not too late. You can still run as a write-in candidate for Sedalia City Council. Key to winning: Make your campaign announcement a pro wrestling-style promo, complete with the line, “Whatcha gonna do when code enforcement mania runs wild on you?”
Scorpio: Avoid bees. Seriously. There are no positive outcomes.
Sagittarius: Today is a good day for a challenge. Get $1 worth of gas at 10 different gas stations. For every cent you go over $1 at each stop, pull out one eyebrow hair. You’ll get pretty good at hitting $1 fairly quickly.
Capricorn: Check your Christmas stocking. Pretty sure you left a mini Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup in there. That’s not going to hold up in storage for 11 months. Snack time!
Aquarius: Today is a good day to start wearing a monocle. Hey, it has worked out really well for that Monopoly guy. Oh, and buy a railroad.
Pisces: Read a book. Go a day without sending a text message or using a microwave oven. Drink a cup of coffee — the original energy drink. Engage in a face-to-face conversation. It will be like time travel, only no need for lightning and a DeLorean. Granted, you might need a time machine to get that reference.
If this is your birth month, your aura is teal and your lucky number is 216, so avoid wearing orange and don’t go to Cleveland.
I hope these helped provide a roadmap for your day. If so, after two weeks, the next one on the list will apply to your sign. If not, flip a coin — heads you’ll have a good day, tails you stay in bed and call Sedline repeatedly to complain about the new fire station. It seems some of you already have a jump on that…
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