Half a dozen months ago, I “tracked the constellations for (a) week, borrowed Travis McMullen’s Ouija board and consulted with the Beaman Monster” to come up with some pretty solid constellational readings, better known as horoscopes. Now, quoting one of your own columns is a pretty lame trick, but that will soon be outdone.
Behold, your latest messages from the stars (and I ain’t talking about Wilford Brimley):
Aries: Lately you’ve felt like you are being watched. Kinda creepy, right? Well that fly that has been buzzing around your house the past few days is a government drone. Kinda regret watching that “Jersey Shore” marathon and eating peanut butter straight out of the jar, don’t you?
Taurus: You look great in floral prints. So take some pictures of your neighbor’s flowers, print them out and make a fancy frock with them. Or, if you’re more daring, pick those flowers, grab some duct tape and strategically cover yourself. But watch out for bees on pollen patrol.
Gemini: Take a trip down Grand Avenue until you come to the intersection with the Katy Trail. There you will find the soulless eyesore that is Sedalia’s political sign graveyard. Contemplate its tackiness for a few minutes then post your own sign reminding the candidates that they are to take down their “ugly on a stick” immediately after the election. And while you’re at the trail, walk a couple of miles — you’ll feel better.
Cancer: You will be selected to be on the TV shows “Naked and Afraid” and “Naked Dating.” You will follow that up with an appearance on “Gimme Some Pants and Pass the Calamine Lotion.”
Leo: You’re going to be a winner at the Missouri State Fair. The visions are a tad cloudy, so the details about your victory are hard to make out, but it looks like you’ll either be named the Missouri State Fair queen, take Best in Show for your prized hamster or earn a certificate for making the most trips to the Farm Bureau building for 25-cent cups of chocolate milk.
Virgo: Remember that time, when you did that thing, and then that other thing happened? Yeah, that was awesome. People noticed that. Someone posted a picture of it online. You’re about to become Internet famous. Congrats! Or, I’m sorry. Not sure where you stand on that.
Libra: Make a fashion statement today. Do your grocery shopping while wearing a tube top, a kilt, wooden shoes and an oversized purple foam cowboy hat. Make sure to use a French accent when you ask other shoppers if you can take selfies with them for your “Wall of Inspiration.”
Scorpio: Someone in your family is withholding important information from you. Best course of action is a loud, finger-pointing rant during the next family get-together. Spread the blame liberally, and be certain to tell Aunt Lois that you know her “special recipe potato salad” comes from the deli counter at Woods.
Sagittarius: While you sleep, squirrels are stealing your underwear.
Capricorn: Address your wanderlust by going on a trip somewhere exotic. Maybe Paris or Rio de Janeiro. Or Bolivar.
Aquarius: Add some spice to your life: Try a new, healthy food or read a book instead of watching a movie you’ve seen so many times you can recite the dialogue. Change is good — especially if it terminates monotony. Suggestions: Hummus and “The Boy Who Harnessed the Wind.”
Pisces: Memorize that “Happy” song and sing or hum it everywhere you go. See just how “happy” people get when you start from the top for the seventh consecutive time while waiting to have your tires rotated.
If this is your birth month, your spirit animal is the honey badger, so you really don’t care about much of anything and do whatever you want to do. Nice attitude, HB.
I hope these helped. If not, wear a pot pie tin as a hat and scramble the letters in “monosodium glutamate” to locate a secret clue to find some buried treasure (Hint: It’s in Bolivar).